Less happy

It’s been 4 months since I finished TMS. I use a mood tracker, Daylio, to keep track of mood. I’m also in a TMS group on Facebook. A lot of people there say that the effect of TMS wears off and that they need boosters or a second round.

I guess it’s either wearing off, or my stressors have increased.

The most specific stressor is having work (and income). Either I don’t have it or I have problems getting it. My last job paid a lot of money. But the group lead didn’t like me and was working toward firing me. I quit in order to avoid that. Of course, I also don’t get unemployment as a result. But right before quitting, I contacted my previous employer to ask if I could come back to finish the work I did there (contract). They let me, and I’ve been there 2 months. Pure luck. Only now, it’s a struggle to get up and go in, and I frequently make excuses to come in late, leave early, or sick out. I’m embarrassed about it. I think, if only they could know what’s going on in my head, they might understand. It’s not lack of work ethic, it’s depression.

Recently, I reread a Martha Beck book called “Finding Your Way In A Wild New World.” It was published 9 years ago, but stands the test of time. The gist is that in our new world, the personal has become the professional. She (Martha) asks, How have you been to hell, and how did you find your way back? People are willing to pay for your hel(l)p.

All of this is to say, depression has been my hell. And I thought TMS was my way back. But maybe not.